I'm Losing It

I have so many thoughts in my brain that I can't type all the things I am thinking at once. I cheated today. I was so mad at myself that I have been kind of down. I cheated today for absolutely NO REASON and that is why I think I am so mad at myself. I have been having a little cabin fever because I haven't been out of the house going on 2 weeks now.

I wish this was the cabin fever I speak of, but it's not :(

My car is still in the shop and should be done either tomorrow or day after. My husband has a car, but I am not as comfortable driving stick *I just learned 4 years ago and have not practiced or driven a stick shift consistently since I learned* I usually like to walk outside to the park, but it's been FREEZING, raining, and snowing. I wasn't bored today, just a little stressed. I think I was having so much anxiety about everything. Today I was flipping out about my car. It needs a new transmission that is going to cost $2500.

My husband is a mechanic, but doesn't have time to fix a tranny just willy nilly. Not only that, he doesn't have the tools or a shop to just fix it in. The weather is so ridiculous. Spring snowstorms! Yuck. We have the money and that is why I say that I am worried about stupid things. It is going to be fixed, we can actually afford it, and I'm still stressing as if it's a big deal. 

Easter Dinner! Yum!

For some reason I was also stressing about Easter and whether my in-laws were going to want to do a big dinner. Usually they are big about holidays as far as food goes. It's not that I'm afraid I will cheat, it just doesn't seem like a fun thing to go to anymore. It's all food based, minor chit chat, and mostly food talk. hahaha I told my husband if they do ask us to come I am going to make the biggest green salad they ever seen*like that'll show them! Sure, it'll just show them to never invite me again so they won't feel obligated to eat my salad & veggies!* 

The one thing missing at most Polynesians dinners!

I don't know. Whenever I write down my actual thoughts of what I'm stressing about I feel like such a whiny baby. There are SO many major problems that should be stressed about in the world, but here's me in my life complaining that I CAN afford to fix my car and our family is fortunate enough to have big dinners on Easter..wah! wah! Poor me. I'm sorry. PityParty of 1 is leaving this blog! 

Onto my cheating ways. Once a cheater always a cheater. jk. I didn't eat a lean & green at lunch. Instead I had 2 Medifast Caramel Nut bars & a lite fat-free yogurt. I felt horrible because I should have just made a salad & my salmon, but I was sick of cooking. Or rather sick of cutting my salad. I should just pre-cut every thing like my sis-in-law suggested, but every time my husband brings the grocery's in the last thing I want to do after putting every thing away is cut a bunch of salad. 

I think another thing that was bugging me was doubt kept entering my mind. The what if's kept nagging at my brain. What if I can't do this? What if you stop losing weight? What if you will never get below 200? What if I dyed my hair brown? ...Well the last one is a possibility. The rest of the thoughts were that of someone who has been in the house too much. I don't know why I started to doubt myself, but I think it's part of how I work. Part of my low-self esteem. I sometimes feel like when I am doing good at something, some negative thoughts come into my mind about myself.

#TRUTH

 It's a disease. I have fought long and hard to get these thoughts out of my head about myself because I know I'm worth it. It took me a long time to love myself and I am still coming along. A lot of it has to do with my childhood, but we won't go into that right now. 

This is all I will say about my childhood & please excuse the bad word. I tried to cover it up, but it sums up my feelings.

I just know that today was a little setback, but I'm getting right back up. I'm still in it TO WIN IT! 

I'm not that worried about the candy & chocolates during Easter because like I said before, I was never real big on candy & sweets. It doesn't tempt me to see chocolate or candy.

 I have a theory about this. I feel like I don't like candy as much these days because I was SUCH a candy freak when I was a kid. I ate so much candy & was so spoiled with it that it made me kind of sick of it. It's like hamburgers. When I was 18 I was fed up with hamburgers. I went through this phase for like a year and a half. I only ate chicken sandwiches and other things, but whenever we went out to eat mentally I was disgusted with hamburgers. 

Yeah, so that's my theory on my brain. I get sick of things because I eat it so much that I protest it for a couple of years. hahaha I'm sorry. I'm laughing because I'm being completely ridiculous. Just know that I'm back on track and am trying my absolute best to fight this...this...whatever you want to call it. Food addiction. Or mental breakdown. Whichever or both. Please excuse this dribble/blog entry. I'm trying not to edit my life for those that are crazy enough to read my craziness. :)

Sorry, I'm losin it.