HAPPY EASTER everybody!
I don't think I have to tell you, but maybe I will. Just to torture myself. I was a bad girl this weekend. It all happened so fast. Not really. In my mind, the decision to eat something that I wasn't supposed to was in slow motion. That is even more worse because I had time to say no, but I didn't. And I'm a failure. Yes I know. Send me out back to get whipped. I deserve it. I tasted fake food & liked it. I should be shunned. I told my husband I didn't think I was ready for an all out feast with the in-laws just yet, but I didn't want to be the party pooper. I just really need to learn to say no. Nobody was offering me anything, I just need to learn to say no to myself. The conversation in my head went like this:
Me: Wow, there's a lot of good food here. They have BBQ chicken & salad so I should be good. Is that cupcakes? Eww, I don't even like cupcakes. Good for me. I'm so gonna stick to my diet. It's not even funny. I guess I should start making the rice krispy treats for the guests. It's not that big of a deal, I don't even like rice krispy treats that much. Aw man, who brought chips? I love Doritos. Mannn, that bratwurst looks GOOD! Steaming hot dog on a bun with ketchup and mustard. I can just take a nibble. That probably won't even count as 1 calorie. Probably a mili-calorie. Mili-calorie is real right? Who cares, they always say mili-something when it's a small measurement. I'll just nibble this and it will be a mili-calorie. *CHOMP! Hotdog destroyed.* What the hell just happened? Did I just devour this hot dog? ARGHHHH! I guess my diets ruined, so who cares if I just eat this rice krispy treat dipped in chocolate. It's okay. Tomorrows another day.
ARGHHHHH!!!!! So frustrating. I don't want to have the mentality of "tomorrows another day". I want to start this and get it over with. I want to be able to hit my goal weight and stay on the straight and narrow path. I want to keep my eye on the prize and not be tempted by anything getting in my way. I swear sometimes I have the attention span of a goldfish! (3 seconds)
So what now? Well I woke up with a refreshed sense of forgiveness and motivation. I have to take it one day at a time, even if it is a FAILURE! I'm getting up again. I know that this food journal/blog is turning into one big sin confession of how I have failed, but trust me. I will get out of this slump. It may not be in a short amount of time, it may take longer then expected, but I will not fail. I can't fail. Failure is NOT AN OPTION. I know I can do it. I know that I love my family way too much to give up. I will fight every damn day to make sure that I am back on track, getting healthy, and learning some self-discipline. I am accountable for my health & I need to remember that. So, sorry for those that are reading this and thinking Blah, blah, blah, heard it all before, but I will not just be a broken record/scratched cd. I will succeed!
Your lovely ONE TIME Easter failure,
Lily
Wish me Luck ;p
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