Epic Fail from a Weakling

Yeah, the title says it all.

HAPPY EASTER everybody!

I don't think I have to tell you, but maybe I will. Just to torture myself. I was a bad girl this weekend. It all happened so fast. Not really. In my mind, the decision to eat something that I wasn't supposed to was in slow motion. That is even more worse because I had time to say no, but I didn't. And I'm a failure. Yes I know. Send me out back to get whipped. I deserve it. I tasted fake food & liked it. I should be shunned. I told my husband I didn't think I was ready for an all out feast with the in-laws just yet, but I didn't want to be the party pooper. I just really need to learn to say no. Nobody was offering me anything, I just need to learn to say no to myself. The conversation in my head went like this:

Me: Wow, there's a lot of good food here. They have BBQ chicken & salad so I should be good. Is that cupcakes? Eww, I don't even like cupcakes. Good for me. I'm so gonna stick to my diet. It's not even funny. I guess I should start making the rice krispy treats for the guests. It's not that big of a deal, I don't even like rice krispy treats that much. Aw man, who brought chips? I love Doritos. Mannn, that bratwurst looks GOOD! Steaming hot dog on a bun with ketchup and mustard. I can just take a nibble. That probably won't even count as 1 calorie. Probably a mili-calorie. Mili-calorie is real right? Who cares, they always say mili-something when it's a small measurement. I'll just nibble this and it will be a mili-calorie. *CHOMP! Hotdog destroyed.* What the hell just happened? Did I just devour this hot dog? ARGHHHH! I guess my diets ruined, so who cares if I just eat this rice krispy treat dipped in chocolate. It's okay. Tomorrows another day.

ARGHHHHH!!!!! So frustrating. I don't want to have the mentality of "tomorrows another day". I want to start this and get it over with. I want to be able to hit my goal weight and stay on the straight and narrow path. I want to keep my eye on the prize and not be tempted by anything getting in my way. I swear sometimes I have the attention span of a goldfish! (3 seconds)

So what now? Well I woke up with a refreshed sense of forgiveness and motivation. I have to take it one day at a time, even if it is a FAILURE! I'm getting up again. I know that this food journal/blog is turning into one big sin confession of how I have failed, but trust me. I will get out of this slump. It may not be in a short amount of time, it may take longer then expected, but I will not fail. I can't fail. Failure is NOT AN OPTION. I know I can do it. I know that I love my family way too much to give up. I will fight every damn day to make sure that I am back on track, getting healthy, and learning some self-discipline. I am accountable for my health & I need to remember that. So, sorry for those that are reading this and thinking Blah, blah, blah, heard it all before, but I will not just be a broken record/scratched cd. I will succeed!

Your lovely ONE TIME Easter failure,
Lily

Wish me Luck ;p

I Feel Good

I Feel GOOD!

I'm back and Yup it's true. I haven't cheated. Hallelujah it's a miracle. All I have to say is I give credit to those that have started this diet and have NOT cheated. It takes some serious willpower! That of which I thought I had, but apparently was weak, but HEY I'm back and that's all that counts. I don't like when I get too down on myself because it doesn't benefit the diet. Besides, when I say "cheat" it means I am eating more vegetables, protein, or a medifast meal more then I am supposed too. It's not like I'm enjoying my fat piece of chocolate cake & high loaded carb pasta dish. I wish. I know that if I cheat by eating just regular foods that I like, then it's over.

This is the link to what Medifast thinks about cheating on your diet:
http://www.medifasthealth.org/medifast-diet/cheating-on-the-medifast-diet-outcome/


For the past 2 days my husband has BBQ'd my chicken and it has been tempting to NOT eat more then 1 piece of chicken! We used to BBQ boneless chicken thighs & bratwurst, but we have been doing turkey dogs & boneless chicken breasts. It's been super yummy because of that smoky flavor. I didn't think I was going to like boneless chicken breast on the grill, but it's way good. I guess I'm the queen of over-cooking things so I wasn't sure it was going to be moist in the middle. They were more then moist, they were delicious.

Let me stop before I start salivating at the mouth. I haven't exercised this week besides minor sweating during the household chores. Usually doing the laundry makes me sweat because the laundry room is upstairs, the clothes are hot when folding, and the putting away is all very sweat-worthy tasks. Can I just tell you that laundry is a pain in my butt. When I was single & even the beginning of my marriage, I actually enjoyed laundry. I would always think, what's the big deal & why are women always complaining about doing this? Ummm...try having kids. Even just having one kid it is RIDICULOUS. You change them in the morning, they spit up breakfast. You change them again & lunch is spilled. You change them again because they pooped all over, peed all over, spilled their drink, drooled too much. I mean, it's amazing that my kids even wear clothes sometimes. I remember when I just had my 4th child & the 3 boys ages were 2, 3, and 5. I would let them run around with just diapers on in the summer at home. I usually have to a do a load a day if I want to keep up with the laundry.

Anyways, long story short. I'm keeping busy, not cheating, and trying to keep myself motivated. Hope all is well with everyone else. Wish me luck this Easter weekend!

P.s.- I wrote this on Friday, but forgot to post it :)

I'm Losing It

I have so many thoughts in my brain that I can't type all the things I am thinking at once. I cheated today. I was so mad at myself that I have been kind of down. I cheated today for absolutely NO REASON and that is why I think I am so mad at myself. I have been having a little cabin fever because I haven't been out of the house going on 2 weeks now.

I wish this was the cabin fever I speak of, but it's not :(

My car is still in the shop and should be done either tomorrow or day after. My husband has a car, but I am not as comfortable driving stick *I just learned 4 years ago and have not practiced or driven a stick shift consistently since I learned* I usually like to walk outside to the park, but it's been FREEZING, raining, and snowing. I wasn't bored today, just a little stressed. I think I was having so much anxiety about everything. Today I was flipping out about my car. It needs a new transmission that is going to cost $2500.

My husband is a mechanic, but doesn't have time to fix a tranny just willy nilly. Not only that, he doesn't have the tools or a shop to just fix it in. The weather is so ridiculous. Spring snowstorms! Yuck. We have the money and that is why I say that I am worried about stupid things. It is going to be fixed, we can actually afford it, and I'm still stressing as if it's a big deal. 

Easter Dinner! Yum!

For some reason I was also stressing about Easter and whether my in-laws were going to want to do a big dinner. Usually they are big about holidays as far as food goes. It's not that I'm afraid I will cheat, it just doesn't seem like a fun thing to go to anymore. It's all food based, minor chit chat, and mostly food talk. hahaha I told my husband if they do ask us to come I am going to make the biggest green salad they ever seen*like that'll show them! Sure, it'll just show them to never invite me again so they won't feel obligated to eat my salad & veggies!* 

The one thing missing at most Polynesians dinners!

I don't know. Whenever I write down my actual thoughts of what I'm stressing about I feel like such a whiny baby. There are SO many major problems that should be stressed about in the world, but here's me in my life complaining that I CAN afford to fix my car and our family is fortunate enough to have big dinners on Easter..wah! wah! Poor me. I'm sorry. PityParty of 1 is leaving this blog! 

Onto my cheating ways. Once a cheater always a cheater. jk. I didn't eat a lean & green at lunch. Instead I had 2 Medifast Caramel Nut bars & a lite fat-free yogurt. I felt horrible because I should have just made a salad & my salmon, but I was sick of cooking. Or rather sick of cutting my salad. I should just pre-cut every thing like my sis-in-law suggested, but every time my husband brings the grocery's in the last thing I want to do after putting every thing away is cut a bunch of salad. 

I think another thing that was bugging me was doubt kept entering my mind. The what if's kept nagging at my brain. What if I can't do this? What if you stop losing weight? What if you will never get below 200? What if I dyed my hair brown? ...Well the last one is a possibility. The rest of the thoughts were that of someone who has been in the house too much. I don't know why I started to doubt myself, but I think it's part of how I work. Part of my low-self esteem. I sometimes feel like when I am doing good at something, some negative thoughts come into my mind about myself.

#TRUTH

 It's a disease. I have fought long and hard to get these thoughts out of my head about myself because I know I'm worth it. It took me a long time to love myself and I am still coming along. A lot of it has to do with my childhood, but we won't go into that right now. 

This is all I will say about my childhood & please excuse the bad word. I tried to cover it up, but it sums up my feelings.

I just know that today was a little setback, but I'm getting right back up. I'm still in it TO WIN IT! 

I'm not that worried about the candy & chocolates during Easter because like I said before, I was never real big on candy & sweets. It doesn't tempt me to see chocolate or candy.

 I have a theory about this. I feel like I don't like candy as much these days because I was SUCH a candy freak when I was a kid. I ate so much candy & was so spoiled with it that it made me kind of sick of it. It's like hamburgers. When I was 18 I was fed up with hamburgers. I went through this phase for like a year and a half. I only ate chicken sandwiches and other things, but whenever we went out to eat mentally I was disgusted with hamburgers. 

Yeah, so that's my theory on my brain. I get sick of things because I eat it so much that I protest it for a couple of years. hahaha I'm sorry. I'm laughing because I'm being completely ridiculous. Just know that I'm back on track and am trying my absolute best to fight this...this...whatever you want to call it. Food addiction. Or mental breakdown. Whichever or both. Please excuse this dribble/blog entry. I'm trying not to edit my life for those that are crazy enough to read my craziness. :)

Sorry, I'm losin it.

Happy Sabbath

Just wanted to update that I did my weigh in this morning and I lost 5 lbs. this week!!! Yeah baby! I am excited! And I only worked out on Wednesday! Hopefully my car will finally be fixed this week so that I can  actually work out at the gym. All righty. I'll write more tomorrow. Wish me luck :)

Quiet Saturday

Today was an excellent day. It was a relaxed Saturday, which doesn't happen often in this house. My kids were calm most of the day and they even took naps. My husband ran errands and finished off some home projects, while I cleaned & got to have some quiet time. My husband was fixing my car today as well, so he took my 2 sons with him. I was home with my oldest son and 2 girls who all decided to give me a break and take a nap at the same time. It was SO nice! That is why you currently see my blog page all blinged out. :) I figured this whole thing out by myself. Yup, I have a blog that looks half way decent! Yay for me!

How I used to eat. lol

As far as the diet, I'm becoming a pro. Well at least a pro at NOT cheating! I also am not counting the minutes till my next meal! I am also becoming full faster. I have been eating my lean & green meal, but filling full to the point that sometimes I don't want to finish the meal. I know it's not good to NOT finish your lean & green, but I make it a point to finish my lean & not so much the green. I eat the salad, it's just I don't feel like eating the whole thing. I am pretty proud of myself. 

My husband keeps commenting on how I look smaller. It feels great, even if he is just being nice. I do notice it too though, especially in my face. My jawline is slowly reappearing. I also have these "stretchy pants" kinda like sheer yoga pants. They usually cling to my skin to the point of no room, but today I wore them and there was actually a little saggy in the inner thigh/crotch area. I was WAY excited because I know these pants were SO tight! They were so tight that I usually just wore them around the house and never out.

Stretchy pants!

Most of my clothes were becoming like that. I was getting so big that everything was so tight. We didn't have enough money to go out and buy me a whole new wardrobe every time I got bigger so I would just deal with it. I would try to look cute, but I didn't feel cute. I felt overweight and depressed. I told my husband today how amazing it is that I am not getting depressed as much anymore. I found this quote about endorphins and it makes sense. It reminded me of  Legally Blonde. 

I have been eating a lot of boneless chicken breast lately. It's my go to dish when I am all out of ideas. I think I am at the end of my bake-the-chicken phase though. I usually just season it, bake it, and eat it with a tbsp of hot sauce and my salad. It's a good meal, but I kind of want to start cooking my meals with the kids. Combining my healthy lean & green with their dinner. I will have to integrate one of these days. I keep trying to help my husband to stop eating late. Weekends are hard because we want to stay up a little later to spend time with each other because the kids are asleep. He just ran to the store to get some "snacks". I was trying to steer him towards just calling it a night and sleep, but he was determined. Plus, we don't go the stores on Sunday so he wanted to get everything tonight for dinner tomorrow. We are running low on the veggies.

It's CRAZY how much FRESH vegetables we are going through a week. I love it. We have been eating  cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, cabbage, squash, and tomatoes. I haven't been eating all of those, but I have sure been cooking it for them. I updated my diet section so I can see my progress. Hopefully one of these days I will look back at all this and think, I really did it :) Well my eyelids are getting heavier and heavier. I hear my pillow calling and I'm going to answer it. Wish me luck!

Shhh...I'm starting a REVOLUTION!

Ouch. My ears! 

Shhh....It's too early for the trolls to get up. I'm trying to type quietly because my 2 year old daughter *a.k.a Drama* is doing that whole wake up and cry for no reason because she's half asleep and half awake. ALL my kids have done this half asleep cry as I'm sure many other kids have done this. It's like they are confused as to what is going on and so they just cry. Yeah, well the normal kid will cry and you can hold them and maybe rock them back to sleep. NOT my daughter. She is a special child who does this PSYCHotic cry for like an hour type of toddler. She is the toddler that is SCREAMING for no reason just to hear the sound of her cry. We have seriously tried every thing. The only thing that works is talking nice to her to comfort her because she doesn't want to be touched. It's so annoying because my other kids you pretty much could yell at them to stop, but of course my little girl needs tender, love, and care to ease her so-called "pain". She is getting out of control because my husband spoils her, but that's another whole entry.

When I saw this picture on the right it totally reminds me of my kids. For people who don't have kids, these tantrums are totally their validation in why they don't want kids. These tantrums are worth the love you feel, maybe not at that moment, but definitely after when your child snuggles up against you. I feel for this lady because this is me almost every other week taking my kids any where. You try to be understanding, you try to be patient, but it's hard. It doesn't help when there are judgmental eyes every where. All you can do is try to assess the situation, review your exits, and pay no attention to the glares. It's inconvenient for every one and usually nobody wants to help, just judge. Judge your parenting skills and think of better ways their superior self would handle it. I have had other mothers offer a helping hand or smile, but it's getting more and more rare. All you want to do is gather what little dignity you had left, pick up your child and get the hell out of there. My heart goes out to all the parents who have experienced tantrums/meltdowns at public places. I always think in my mind, its going to be okay. "Go to your happy place." haha I just watched Happy Gilmore the other night. :)

Shooter McGavin

We've Only Just Begun by Chubbs

Back to the diet. I'm starting a revolution because ever since I started my diet, I have changed the way my husband & children are currently eating. My kids have even been looking a little leaner these days and I love it. Not starving lean, but healthy lean. My sister-in-law has been changing the way her family  have been eating. And my sister-in-law talked to her other brother and told him what we all have been doing and he's agreed to eat better as well. It's a CHRISTMAS Miracle!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

Minus the Christmas and maybe even the miracle. I am just happy people are changing the way we eat. I want to keep it up. I want to keep encouraging them and my own personal family to eat as healthy as possible so we can all establish healthy habits. My mom has been cutting back too. My dad has always gone to the gym and tries to eat healthy ever since he lost weight a couple of years back.

I am just happy that we all can do this together. It is really unifying. I know it's not rocket science and we are not curing cancer, well we kinda are reducing the risk of cancer statistically speaking. And some may think I pat myself on the back way too much. I find that celebrating mini accomplishments is a setup and confidence builder to tackle on more bigger goals/future accomplishments. So sue me.

Well said

Yesterday I did EXCELLENT! No cheating, no extra meals, and no yearnings. I realized I have been doing it all wrong. I've been eating every 2 hours, but I should just space it to 3 because sometimes I am not hungry and I'm just forcing myself to eat at the 2 hr mark. I also took the advice of my coach yesterday and whenever I felt like I was hungry, I drank some COLD water. More like chugged a whole water bottle and then I was cold most of the day. I have been cold ever since last week. My toes are always freezing and I'm always looking for a hoodie. I haven't lost tons of weight, but I just have been extra cold lately. It's usually the opposite. I'm usually the one that wants the air condition on in the winter because I'm always HOT!

FREEZING!

Anyways <<favorite transition word
 I have parent/teacher conference today for my 1st grader. Where does the time go? I hear a troll so I better go. *don't mistake my term of endearment, I love my little trolls* Wish me luck!

Ooh remember these creepy things!

Song of the Day: UPRISING by MUSE

The Childhood & Bad Habits

Ever since I was little I can remember my parents telling me, "Don't waste food! You know there are starving people in China, India, Africa, Samoa" *depending on the mood and day you could pick a country and it was mentioned by my parents. It wasn't their fault. I'm sure it was told to them by either their parents growing up or they learned it from watching the news. Either way, wasting food was not an option. If your plate wasn't finished and there was more food on it, we never threw it away. It was to be saved and eaten at another time. Leftovers did not last long in our house either. It was eat or starve!

Although my parents were good parents, meal time rituals were never established consistently. We never had a set time of 6pm is dinner, 7am is breakfast. It was sort of a free for all, like many Polynesian households I have seen. You pretty much eat whenever something is cooking, but if nothing was cooking you better find yourself something to eat. As a young kid, I would pretty much have to tell them when I was hungry and then they would feed me. Having children now, I know that establishing meal times and controlling what they eat is not only attainable, but imperative. It shapes their habits all through their life. I only say this from experience.

My sleeping schedule was another thing that was thrown up in the air. I slept when I wanted to and stayed up as long as I wanted too. It sounds like my parents were horrible, but at the time, they didn't know better. They were going through a phase because I can honestly say that when they started to go to church & really settle down, it became more organized. I would say that happened around when I was 7 -8 years old. We still didn't have a set ritual around meal times, but it became more consistent to expect at least dinner. Breakfast was non-existent. It wasn't that big of a deal because I never was a morning eater. I would go to school and just wait for lunch, which we all know now is UNHEALTHY!
I find it so odd that my Mom was not more into meal prep because my Grandma was a S.A.H.M on the military base in California and had breakfast, lunch, and dinner ready all the time. I see old pictures of my Mom and her siblings *all 5 of them at the time, 3 more came later* at the dinner table all nice and clean like some Norman Rockwell/Paul Gaugin mix painting from the 50's. I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised. My mom kind of rebelled throughout her life.

I think I'm just trying to hash out when and why I started eating the way I have been. Sleep time, meal time, what you are eating, all matter. It all comes down to habits. When I got into my teens I was actually more fit then I thought I was, but still eating bad. I kept comparing my body with the girls at school, which I know now was NOT fair in anyway of me to do that. I am naturally big boned, if you will. My stature is bigger then the blondes & brunettes at school. At my skinniest I still always felt huge to them because I was. My eating was all over the place. I wasn't a sweets freak or ate candy all the time. My weakness has always been starchy foods/sides. I loved rice, potatoes, pasta, bread, mac and cheese. I ate lots of chicken, but the portion of chicken compared to the portion of my sides was no match. I always loved fried foods as well. All the fatty foods. Fries, corn dogs, onion rings, mozzarella sticks, just straight up battered, fried crap.

No longer appeals to me! I just see a bunch of fat staring at me.

As I type these foods, it no longer makes me hungry which is SO WEIRD! I'm actually getting disgusted because I remember how I felt after eating all these foods. Bloated, sick, and greasy. Wow. That's a huge shocker for me and a mini accomplishment. I thought while writing all my old favorite foods I would miss them, but it was the opposite. *Sorry, I'm celebrating the fact that maybe my brain is being re-wired to think the right way about food* Anyways, sorry I'm rambling. I just wanted to write my thoughts this morning because I have been really trying to understand where I came from so I can progress and know where I am going. I want to give my kids a chance by feeding them the best and letting them feel their best. We look back at mistakes of others, our own mistakes, and just try our hardest not to make the same ones and correct as we go along.

I tried to go running this morning, but was UNpleasantly surprised by SNOW! I know Utah has the "Greatest Snow on earth", but I'm about to move out of this state because this winter was SO HORRIBLE! I have been getting cabin fever this whole winter and thought the snow was gone, but it's back. And it was like WHITE OUT blizzard snow. ANNOYING! All right then. I gotta wake up the husband for work.

Woke up to this! Others would find this breathtakingly beautiful. I , on the other hand, am SO OVER IT!

Food for thought: What bad eating habits did you form when you were younger? 

My answer: Eating while watching t.v. or reading. 2 things you shouldn't do because you are not mindful of what you are putting in your body at the time. You are more likely to overeat.

Wish me luck :)

Let Me Catch My Breath!

I just got back from my 2 mile run. Yes, you read right. I actually ran! Lol My big self actually JOGGED!

How I felt running

I felt like I was still light on my feet these days, until I ran today. I was trying to jog lightly, but the weight was weighing me down. hahaha I don't know if it was because I can hear myself so loudly, but I felt like I was stomping/jogging. The poor kids walking to school were probably like...WHOA! Earthquake.
                                                                                   

 I also got moded *Polynesian slang for embarrassed or shamed if you will* I always blast my ipod to drown out my own mind from convincing myself 1 lap was good enough and also to drown out my heavy breathing. So my ipod was blasting and it dropped out of my sleeve and so did my ear bud so I stopped to pick it up and heard someone behind me running towards me so I gasped! And yeah, it was just another fellow jogger who I almost roundhouse kicked to the face.

My hero Chuck Norris :)

That's what I get for watching "Who the #*@#$% Bleep Did I Marry" on Netflix last night. It's one of those shows like Oxygen's Snapped, where these poor women & men married people who were murderers, rapists, con-artists, etc. The last episode I watched before I fell asleep was a lady who married the Parkwood Rapist in Washington state. It was scary! It made me paranoid last night so I kept asking my husband Toa, if that's even his real name?, if he was really going to the gym or stalking women? Long story short, I am an idiot. hahaha



I am excited today because I get to try some new products out. My order of food came in yesterday and I ordered a Caramel nut bar, chocolate chip pancakes, and mostly double of whatever I liked last time. Oh I also tried the honey mustard pretzels. Yum. I like those. I used to love the Snyders of Hanover Pretzels and these are similar. The only thing I miss from my old ways is BREAD! I love bread. I miss sandwiches. Those were probably a weakness for me because I just love sandwiches. I found this recipe for Revolution Rolls on this ladies AMAZING blog/fb. http://www.sandyskitchenadventures.com/2011/09/medifast-picnic.html

New Products:

All right then. I better go. The childrens are up and already fighting. Wonderful music to my ears. I really appreciate this age because I know it's not going to last forever and I'm going to be extremely sad when they don't need me for all the little things anymore. Have a great day eRRbody! Wish me luck :)